如果有一個非常適合的故事，那麼你的陳述就會有一個很好的基礎，接著要懂得謀篇佈局，然後是文法的使用，如何過渡，如何連接，如何使用高級詞匯……文書的寫作有很大的學問，通過不斷地閱讀比較原文和修改後的定稿，我們可以獲得很多直觀的感受。
案例一：
Before
For as long as I can remember, ( 太通俗瞭 ) I've never been complacent with the knowledge I possess. Constantly setting new goals that will stretch my mind into something that it was not the day before and allowing every experience to shape me, while never loosing a handle on my own personal convictions and what I have learned along the way, has always been a way of life for me. For me, pursuing a legal education is not a terminal accomplishment, nor will obtaining a legal degree quench this ongoing thirst for knowledge that I have always had; I don't want it to. I constantly need to be in pursuit of challenging goals ( 減少重復使用單詞詞組的次數 ) that that require considerable mind expansion and personal reflection. The experiences and knowledge that I will acquire in attending law school will stretch my mind to think in ways that I never have, allowing me to face future intellectual, professional, and academic goals with confidence and enthusiasm. ( 沒有故事，廢話太多 )
Mid way through my senior year, the University of Arizona choose me to be their undergraduate representative at the "Arizona First" town hall meeting, a three day, bipartisan conference focus on shaping legislation that will bring economic growth and prosperity to AZ. During this three day ( 不要多次強調會議時長 ) conference I worked closely with Arizona state representatives and senators, the majority of whom where lawyers, in proposing new legislation with the potential of bringing new job opportunities, more commerce, and an overall better standard of living to the state. It was one of the first time in my life when textbooks no longer mattered, and the weight of reality stared face to face with idealism and hope for a better tomorrow ( 這兩個形容意思差不多，多餘 ) . As the conference progressed, I began to notice the group who's knowledge seemed to fair the stormy debates and arguments the best where the lawyers, but not because of superior information or inside knowledge. As each new issue emerged, the lawyers just seemed to ( 反復使用這一詞組顯得很不自信 ) have an inherent way of balancing the weight of difficult situations, interactions, and dilemmas in ways others could not. The experiences I took away from the conference provided me with a new way of looking at problems: placing more emphasis on the approach one uses in handling conflicts that involve personal interaction. As I interacted and spoke with more lawyers, I began to reflect on my own situation and life goals, and more importantly the best means to obtain them. It was at this point in time that the desire to embark on a legal career started to take shape.
In my last year of college I realized the true rewards of challenging myself academically, and intellectually. I could have graduated in four and a half years with a concentration in finance and called it quits, but I didn't. I stayed the extra semester to obtain my second concentration in accounting; a decision I will never regret. The abstract nature of finance and seemingly concrete precepts of accounting have provided me with a wealth of knowledge and tools for looking at situations from many angles and the ability to bridge the mental gaps between these two ways of thinking. Distinguishing myself in both programs also provided me with the opportunity to become a professor's assistant. Becoming a PA introduced me to the extremely rewarding challenge of teaching students who were in need of special assistance, and it allowed me to exercise ( 單詞都過於簡單 ) my newly acquired personal interaction skill I had learned from the conference. The sense of fulfillment I receive from seeing the bulb light up in someone's head and the joy it brings to them upon understanding a previously foreign concept is priceless. I hope to use this form of the abilities I acquired through this teaching program through my roles as council in my legal career. ( 舉一些你的打算 ) My experiences as a PA ( 什麼經歷 ? 多談一點例子 ) also instilled in me the desire to return to academia after my professional goals have been reached, and having a legal degree will make that vision possible.
Joining a fraternity in college was another rewarding adventure that challenged me in ways I never thought it could. In my third year of college I was elected the president of Sigma Alpha Epsilon, ( 這是個很好的角色，你做瞭什麼，舉例子 ) assuming the full responsibility of the chapter as the youngest president in our chapters history. Running meetings, representing the fraternity on the university level, and being the fraternity's spokesman in the community helped me refine my leadership, organizational, and speaking skills. Under my guidance as president, our fraternity went from 7th place out of 8 fraternities scholastically, to 2nd in my last semester, and 1st in the following semester. Upon fulfilling my vision of having a chapter free of any financial and scholastic probations, I was recognized with the "Order of the Phoenix," the highest national award that can be give to a brother from exemplary leadership and zeal.
Leaving academia and entering into the professional world has been full of challenges. In my short time at Pricewaterhouse, ( 第一次出現在文章中，寫出公司全名 ) I have been given tremendous personal responsibilities and chances to excel personally and as part of a team. Due to the knowledge that I gained in my summer internship with the firm, on my first engagement at Matrix Financial Services, I was given senior responsibilities to perform an audit and supervise the work of my assistants, a responsibility typically reserved for those accountants who have been with the firm for two or more years. Learning the skills necessary to plan and perform an audit has given me tremendous experience in researching difficult issues and practicing critical thinking on a professional level. ( 學瞭啥技能，怎麼就有瞭這樣的體驗，你的例子在哪 ? )
Despite the professionally rewarding responsibilities and chances for achievement that Pricewaterhouse has offered me, staying in an accounting firm in the capacity in which I serve will not allow me to reach my full potential intellectually, academically, or professionally. ( 上文已經用過這些詞瞭 ) Public accounting is a noble profession, and obtaining my CPA certification this year will provide me with invaluable skills when dealing with business clients. But by nature of the profession, I find myself in an adversarial role with the clients I am engaged with. Serving the adversarial role is in constant conflict with my advocate personality. Leaving public accounting to obtain a legal degree will be a challenging, yet exciting switch to a profession more consistent with my personality traits: loyalty, fidelity, ( 這兩個單詞指一個意思，多餘 ) and personal servitude.
The decision to pursue a legal education has come after long personal deliberation. But every personal reflection points me in the direction of law school. The chance to challenge myself and realize my full potential is the ultimate goal in attending law school. Having the experiences and the opened mindset that law school will provide with me, I can set even higher academic, professional, and intellectual goals and pursue them with steadfast determination, perseverance, excitement and self-assurance like never before. ( 最後一段最好談談你的個人特質，這些特質對你以後的法律學習是有所幫助的 )
After
Halfway through my senior year at the University of Arizona, I was chosen to be the undergraduate representative at "Arizona First," a three-day, bipartisan conference focused on shaping legislation to bring economic growth and prosperity to the state. During the conference, I worked closely with state representatives and senators--the majority of whom were lawyers--proposing legislation to create new job opportunities, more commerce, and an increased standard of living in Arizona.
For the first time in my life, textbooks no longer mattered. I was faced with the weighty challenge of balancing reality with idealism. As the conference progressed, I noticed that the most effective participants were lawyers, not because of superior information or inside knowledge, but because they instinctively knew how to deal with the difficult situations and interactions that arose. The conference taught me to appreciate the interpersonal subtleties of conflict resolution and showed me that I would succeed in a career as a lawyer.
During my last year of college, I experienced the rewards that flowed from academic and intellectual challenges. Although I had the option of graduating with a degree in finance in four and a half years, I stayed an extra semester to obtain a second degree in accounting. The abstract nature of finance and the concrete precepts of accounting have provided me with a wealth of knowledge and the ability to look at problems from both a theoretical and a practical perspective.
By distinguishing myself in both of my academic programs, I was granted the honor of becoming a Professor's Assistant ( PA ) . As a PA, I experienced the extremely rewarding challenge of teaching students in need of special assistance, and I drew upon the people skills that I had learned at the conference. Helping students understand previously foreign concepts is an indescribable feeling, and the work convinced me to pursue a career teaching law.
In my third year of college, I was elected president of Sigma Alpha Epsilon ( SAE ) , assuming full responsibility as the youngest president in our chapter's history. Running meetings, representing the fraternity to the university, and serving as the fraternity's spokesman in the community helped me refine my leadership, organizational, and speaking skills. Before my tenure, SAE was second-to-last in academic rankings among fraternities. After I left, we were number one. For leaving the chapter free of any financial or scholastic probations, I received the "Order of the Phoenix," the highest national award given to a brother for exemplary leadership and zeal.
Transitioning from academia to the professional world, I obtained a position as a summer intern at PricewaterhouseCoopers. Based on my background and experience, I was assigned the role of supervising my assistants during my first audit, a responsibility typically reserved for accountants who have been with the firm for two or more years. Learning to plan and execute an audit has further developed my researching and critical thinking skills, which will enhance my competency as a lawyer.
Despite the professional opportunities and rewards available at PwC, I do not believe that I can reach my full potential intellectually, academically, or professionally in an accounting firm. Public accounting is a noble profession and obtaining my CPA certification will provide me with invaluable skills for dealing with business clients. However, I too often find myself engaging with my clients as an adversary rather than as an advocate. Leaving this field to obtain a law degree will allow me to pursue a career that is more consistent with my dominant personality traits: loyalty and charity.
I look forward to law school as an opportunity to develop my most cherished personal characteristics. As an experienced leader, teacher, scholar, and professional, I have much to contribute to a program in law. My analytical, critical thinking, and interpersonal skills will help me become a competent attorney, and I am anxious to embark on this next stage of my career.
點評：
1. 原稿開篇廢話太多，且花瞭大篇幅也沒有很好地說明問題。修改後，第一段首先以的小故事開篇，能快速吸引關註 ;
2. 原稿有過度總結和概括觀點的傾向，卻沒有具體闡述實例，缺少說服力 ;
3. 原稿中出現瞭很多用法不當的俚語和不專業表達 ;
4. 原稿表達不簡潔，有很多重復的地方，且很多單詞表達的其實是一個意思。
5. 單次使用不高級，詞匯儲備不多。
例 2
Before：
As I entered the premises for the first time, I was awestruck. In my frequent travels to Calcutta, India, I had never been so moved. ( 開頭可設置懸念來講述一個故事 ) Granted, I had previously seen women and children begging for money on the road sides and have walked through the populous city on many occasions, emersed in its delightful pungent aroma, but nothing had prepared me for what I had experienced entering Mother Teresa's orphanage in July of 1996. Children who appeared quite ill were playing and laughing carelessly with the minimal toys and trinckets they had gathered. Infants, so malnourished they looked as though they could perish immediately, were clothed in brightly coloured outfits as though it would disguise their disparity. Whenever I encounter inexplanable situations, I pose the question, "why?". In this situation the inexplanable element was why are children, who are so innocent, subjected to such pain and suffering? Since my initial visit to the centre I have concluded that is no easy answer for that question. ( 這個思考是很常見的，有沒有更深刻的問題 ? ) However, what little I have been able to do as a volunteer to make the lives of people who are suffering a little more tolerable gives me some consolation for the lack of a concrete response to my initial question.
It is this type of injustice in the world which fuels my desire to reach out in whatever way that I can. From volunteering at that orphanage in Calcutta ( I've done that twice since my initial visit ) to previously supporting adolescents with emotional, social and behavioural problems at the Children's Assessment Centre and now by devoting a few hours a week to the Junior Achievement Program, I try to make a small difference in peoples' lives by giving them my support, my advise, or my hand. I have decided to pursue a career in Law primarily for the same reasons why I have volunteered for so many years of my life, so that I may lend my clients my support, my legal advice and help. ( 學習法律與做志願有什麼必然聯系 ? ) It is a profession that perfectly matches my personality and goals, and gives me the ability to fulfill my lifelong dream of making a significant impact on our society through civil service. ( 這句有點多餘 ) I realized that my ability to motivate and help others could lead to great achievements. Law will definitely enable me to continue to find such opportunities. At first, I may be helping one person at a time. Yet as time passes and my aspirations become reality, I envision myself impacting whole cities or states.
In addition, as alluded to above, I am a very inquisitive person. This characteristic has been cultivated and has grown during my undergraduate career at McGill University in the Arts and Science Programme and in the Economics Department. With the support of the facutly professors, who have encouraged such behaviour, I have been equipped with skills which are necessary to succeed in one's life. For example, this inquisitive characteristic lead me to choose my thesis topic pertaining to Islamic Banking. Curiosity got the best of me as in my readings I came across a particular economy which claimed that interest rates did not exist in countries ruled my Islamic principles. Using my critical thinking skills from the Arts and Science program and my economic knowledge, ( 這句話說得太滿瞭，沒必要 ) I challenged the non-existance of interest rates and attempted to put to pieces of the puzzle together. My hypothesis had been correct. The Islamic economy was in fact dependant upon interest rates, but disguised that dependence with various other economic priniciples. I love solving puzzles - discovering pieces, analyzing their importance, uncovering relationships and then utilizing the information to produce a final work. ( 太直接表達愛好瞭，不如舉幾個例子 ) By completing the thesis, I analyzed the countries that are ruled by the Islamic banking system, drew upon my knowledge of the traditional economic system, and used the information to decipher and determine if the claim was true. Writing, research, legal study, and legal practice share this process with my thesis. Instead of finding the answer written in a textbook or a journal article, the discovery is information and requires research and analysis.
In addition to my affinity for research and writing, my work experience has confirmed my desire to learn more about the law. Currently, I am working at a Major Canadian Bank ( 給出銀行的名字 ) as an Assistant Manager. As an investment and credit adivsor, I have to ensure that my clients' receive the best advise possible from a financial standpoint. Many legal questions arise when discussing either credit or investment products. These questions required that I delve into a field that I knew relatively little about. Questions related to wills, estates, collections, reposessions etc. are usually the types asked. Through the help of our legal department, I am able to guide these clients by addressing their questions and referring them to the appropriate source if more complex inquiries are made. The law and the banking system share constant variety. Since both are evolving, they require constant research and learning. Through my various jobs and by reading various works on law, the breadth and variety inherent in the law has impressed me. ( 這種說法太寬泛直接瞭，你怎麼被法律的寬度和深度打動瞭？ ) My work at the financial institution has exposed me to some of the realities of law such as the legal complexities, the commitment and initiative required, and the diversity of the work.
The thrill of discovery that I so enjoy in my academic and professional life partially stems from my travel experiences. Whether traveling through the city street of Bangkok, visiting my extended family in India, or submerging myself in European culture, my travels have exposed me to different facets of humanity. My experiences on foreign soil allow me evaluate daily situations as well as academic works from a unique perspective.
During my travels I have come face to face with social and economic injustices. I have come to realize that I have a responsibility to those forgotten in the world. This has left me with an undeniable need to alleviate those hardships. Attending law school will give me an opportunity to one day make changes to the betterment of those I have met. It will give me the ability to create reform and make a difference in the world.
After：
My previous trips to Calcutta had not prepared me. I had seen women and children begging on the street for money, but I did not know what to expect as I made my way through Calcutta's twisting, claustrophobic streets. My lungs filled with the delightfully pungent aroma of Indian spices and incense as I turned a corner and faced the gates of Mother Teresa's orphanage.
Entering the premises, I was struck by a curious sight. Children, obviously quite ill, were playing and laughing on the grounds and enjoying the modest toys, which had been donated to them. Infants, thin and malnourished, were clothed in clean, colorful outfits so cheerful that they almost outshone their wearers' concerns. It was a different world from the desperate Calcutta streets I had just left.
The experience was very significant for me. I suddenly realized how a hopeful and optimistic environment could transform even the direst conditions. The children inside the orphanage were no richer than those begging on the street, but they had the benefit of a caring environment, which transformed their poverty-stricken lives into something resembling a normal childhood. There is no solution to, and certainly no justification for, childhood suffering, but it is important that we play our own small roles in consoling and helping young victims of poverty.
Since my initial visit in 1996, I have returned multiple times to Mother Teresa's orphanage to volunteer my time with the children. I have also been involved in helping adolescents with emotional, social, and behavioral problems at the Children's Assessment Centre. Currently, I devote two or three hours to the "Junior Achievement Program" in my city's elementary school by lending my hand, my advice, and my support to the children. These volunteer experiences have given me the chance to improve the community, but I now want to do something more substantial.
I realize that injustice and suffering in the world are too widespread to be solved through volunteer activity. Consequently, I want to attack the roots of these problems and play a more substantial role in the defense of defenseless victims. This is why I am attracted to the law.
The legal profession will draw upon my interest in social justice and give me the chance to aid individuals by offering legal advice. I learned through my work at Mother Teresa's orphanage that commitment to others can lead to great results. I now want to apply this lesson to the law. At first, my practice may only help one person at a time. Eventually, I hope to impact entire communities, cities, and even states.
In terms of career aspirations, I wish to spend a few years after passing the bar practicing law to gain practical experience and to help individuals directly. After that, I want to direct my energies toward teaching the law, since I believe this is the best way to impact the future of society. A single lawyer can help some, but a law professor can inspire generations of jurists to pursue social justice.
I have always been very inquisitive and interested in the pursuit of knowledge for its own sake. As an undergraduate in McGill University's economics department, I wrote a thesis on Islamic banking practices. I chose the topic after encountering an article that claimed that interest rates did not exist in religious Islamic countries. This puzzled me, and I decided to investigate the matter further. Poring through data from the World Bank and the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, I discovered that such interest rates did exist, but that they were hidden and disguised within other economic transactions. Unraveling mysteries and testing hypotheses against data is the foundation of the legal profession, and I believe that I have the temperament and cognitive capability to excel in such work.
I have gained exposure to the law through my work at the Bank of Canada as an Assistant Manager. Through my role as an investment and credit advisor, I am responsible for ensuring that clients receive the best financial advice possible. This often entails legal research on my part due to the complex legal issues that surround many credit and investment transactions. I have worked closely with the legal department of the bank and have learned a great deal about estate, collection, and repossession law. This work has enabled me to guide my clients more effectively and has also taught me to delegate tasks beyond my competency to more experienced experts in the field. I have seen the law in action, and I am intrigued by the complexity and subtly of this instrument.
My study of the law, and my interest in applying it toward social justice, will be informed by my extensive travel experiences. I have traveled throughout Asia, from the crowded streets of Bangkok to my family's village in Northeast India. I have also experienced Western cultures, from attending university in Canada to studying abroad in Western Europe. These diverse experiences will give me a better perspective on the global implications of my work and will allow me to see how national laws influence the entire world community in the age of globalization.
While I cannot hope to effect as much change as Mother Teresa's orphanage, I nonetheless feel an obligation to try. By studying law and by using it to address social ills across the globe, I will contribute to a society that is more equitable tomorrow than it is today. As a law school student, I look forward to sharing my experiences with my classmates and to learning the skills that will help me help others.
點評：
1. 圍繞在特蕾莎修女孤兒院工作經歷展開敘述，比較有說服力 ;
2. 文章有語法錯誤，且表達不流暢。
3. 文章基本要素都很好，需要增加文采。
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